Monday, January 24, 2005

Masquerade! This song is very staid

Went to see Phantom of the Opera and was highly entertained.

Act I:

Carlotta: I willa displaya humor valua as displayed by a really thick Italian accent, as well as an actual operatic soprano so you can lament the lack of other operatic voices throughout the entire movie. Also, I have a doggie. My work here is done.

Firmin and Andre: Who can we get at short notice? We'll take the recommendation of the ballet instructor, who clearly is the foremost authority on operatic voices. Also, she kinda scares us.

Raoul: She may not remember the rich, handsome, totally eligible viscount, but I remember the orphan chorus girl.
...Let's do it, let's fall in looooove...

Christine: Can't tonight, sorry, I have a Secret.

Meg: What's your secret?

Christine: The angel of music has come to me and gives me music lessons, and some really awesome drugs. In return I heave my bosom a lot. I'm on a great high right now.

Phantom: Come to me, angel of music...

Christine: Boy, this is the best high ever! You can tell by my total
glassy-eyed stare and my willingness to follow you into a dank smelly
tunnel. Now I will heave my bosom.

Phantom: Whatever works. Hey, look at me! I am SO cool that I have candles that go up and down in water just for the heck of it. And a cool cave, just like Batman! Well, ok, maybe not just like.

Audience: You just wish you were as cool as Batman.

Christine: The Phantom loves me not just for my beauty or voice but for my keen intellect even in the face of mind-numbing drugs. For example, I have deduced that because he is wearing all black and a mask that he is not actually an angel but is rather the Phantom of the Opera.

Phantom: Yeah, whatever you say. Nice bod. Speaking of which, let me sing you a song of seduction.

Christine: *This* is the music of the night? It's pretty lame. This song is boring and your voice kinda sucks. You sound a little like Madonna trying to be a Broadway star in Evita, except she could probably sing lower than you. At least you can sing the high notes.

Phantom: You are getting very sleepy. Also, here are some more drugs.

Christine: Ooh.

Christine: *heaves bosom*
Christine and Dave's mom: *fall asleep*

Christine: *wakes up* Where are you hiding the drugs? Maybe behind this
mask thing.

Phantom: Damn you!

Christine: I am so not impressed, but I will heave my bosom to and
fro. Gimme more drugs.

Phantom: Let's go back to the theater.

Andrew Lloyd Weber: Hey, look at me! I am SO cool that I can write a song where lots of people are singing at the same time! Just like Mozart! Well, ok, maybe not just like.

Audience: You just wish you were as cool as Mozart.

Me: I must shamefully confess that, despite the fact that this song has the same stupid tunes and awful lyrics as the rest of it, I kind of like its pretentious combining of voices.

Rest of Audience: Cretin.

Dave's mom: *snore*

Christine: Quick, the Phantom is very dangerous, so let's go to the last place he would be able to spy on us-- the Opera roof!

Raoul: You know, I never loved you for your intelligence, but you never loved me for mine either. Let's go.

Christine: His voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound... And I heard as I'd never heard before...

Raoul: You're in love with the Phantom's voice?

Christine: No, that would be silly. With whoever does the audio mixing of his voice, duh!

Raoul: Let me sing a love song to you in a voice that is much more gorgeous than the Phantom's.

Christine: Nice voice, nice bod, totally rich, nice horsies, doesn't kill people... Sure, let's go out, sounds great. As a bonus I will heave my bosom for you.

Raoul: Awesome.

Phantom: I will do something terrible to you! Er, except I don't quite know what. Excuse me while I take many months to think about it.

Act II (unfinished):

Various Singers: Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade!

Pink and yellow, different shades!
No one cares what you sing
As long as it rhymes with Masquerade
Because this is a dumb song
And no one is listening anyway. Ade.

Phantom: I am so cool. I wrote an opera.
Christine: You took several months to think of THAT?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

to misrepresent a mockingbird

I'm rapidly becoming a skeptic of everything, including the press, and the press isn't helping. Not just with the big things, either. Come on, can't you get anything right?

A Guardian column on a poll of women's fiction says that Pride and Prejudice has won a poll for having "spoken to you on a personal level." It also said that To Kill a Mockingbird came in second (it would have been my personal choice!) "despite the fact that the main female character, Scout, is a child, and that the only major adult female character in the novel is one who falsely cries rape against an innocent man."

Okay, they got the child part right. As for the adult females, have they never read the freaking book? There are several major adult female characters (not even counting Mayella, who gets air time in one whole chapter of the book and has never struck me as a major character, having neither an interesting personality nor any time for character development; indeed, it took me a minute to recall her name.) By what measure does Calpurnia not count as a major adult female character? What about Aunt Alexandra, whose shadow lies across at least half the book? Then there's Miss Maudie, whom I would have loved to know. She's way more major than Mayella.

Of course, talking about the adult females is leaving aside the idea that one might actually have read it as a (comparative) child, or that one might be touched by the hard lessons Scout learns about people, and the different but still hard lessons she learns about being female in her world (which she learns from those nonexistent adult females like Aunt Alexandra and Miss Maudie).

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Why don't more people use this rule of thumb?

Okay. I keep hearing these lame red state vs. blue state arguments. Red states have lower IQ (yeah, well, that's been debunked!) , higher divorce rates/marital problems (debunked here via Instapundit), etc.

I'll give you a big hint. Any of these "statistics" that have Utah ranking extremely low are almost certainly not worth listening to. I'll admit to being biased (I've been born and bred Mormon, for the most part), but I don't think anyone will argue with me that a) Utah has a whole heck of a lot of Mormons, even if they're branching out a bit; and b) Mormons are really good with things like work ethic, strong families, importance of education (listened to any of President Hinckley's speeches lately, or for the last ten years?), etc.

So when I was told that Utah ranked last in this IQ thing, that immediately set up a red flag. "Gosh," I thought, "where could that data be coming from? Because it's wrong." And it was.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

An un-splendiforous first post

I decided my first post here would have to be profound, elegant, erudite, and indicative of my personality (to the extent, that is, that there was no contradiction with the first three). Then I realized I was too lazy, and figured 1 out of 4 would have to do.

On the other hand, I think "splendiforous" is a great word. It sounds so grand and full-of-vowels and, well, splendiforous.