Monday, January 24, 2005

Masquerade! This song is very staid

Went to see Phantom of the Opera and was highly entertained.

Act I:

Carlotta: I willa displaya humor valua as displayed by a really thick Italian accent, as well as an actual operatic soprano so you can lament the lack of other operatic voices throughout the entire movie. Also, I have a doggie. My work here is done.

Firmin and Andre: Who can we get at short notice? We'll take the recommendation of the ballet instructor, who clearly is the foremost authority on operatic voices. Also, she kinda scares us.

Raoul: She may not remember the rich, handsome, totally eligible viscount, but I remember the orphan chorus girl.
...Let's do it, let's fall in looooove...

Christine: Can't tonight, sorry, I have a Secret.

Meg: What's your secret?

Christine: The angel of music has come to me and gives me music lessons, and some really awesome drugs. In return I heave my bosom a lot. I'm on a great high right now.

Phantom: Come to me, angel of music...

Christine: Boy, this is the best high ever! You can tell by my total
glassy-eyed stare and my willingness to follow you into a dank smelly
tunnel. Now I will heave my bosom.

Phantom: Whatever works. Hey, look at me! I am SO cool that I have candles that go up and down in water just for the heck of it. And a cool cave, just like Batman! Well, ok, maybe not just like.

Audience: You just wish you were as cool as Batman.

Christine: The Phantom loves me not just for my beauty or voice but for my keen intellect even in the face of mind-numbing drugs. For example, I have deduced that because he is wearing all black and a mask that he is not actually an angel but is rather the Phantom of the Opera.

Phantom: Yeah, whatever you say. Nice bod. Speaking of which, let me sing you a song of seduction.

Christine: *This* is the music of the night? It's pretty lame. This song is boring and your voice kinda sucks. You sound a little like Madonna trying to be a Broadway star in Evita, except she could probably sing lower than you. At least you can sing the high notes.

Phantom: You are getting very sleepy. Also, here are some more drugs.

Christine: Ooh.

Christine: *heaves bosom*
Christine and Dave's mom: *fall asleep*

Christine: *wakes up* Where are you hiding the drugs? Maybe behind this
mask thing.

Phantom: Damn you!

Christine: I am so not impressed, but I will heave my bosom to and
fro. Gimme more drugs.

Phantom: Let's go back to the theater.

Andrew Lloyd Weber: Hey, look at me! I am SO cool that I can write a song where lots of people are singing at the same time! Just like Mozart! Well, ok, maybe not just like.

Audience: You just wish you were as cool as Mozart.

Me: I must shamefully confess that, despite the fact that this song has the same stupid tunes and awful lyrics as the rest of it, I kind of like its pretentious combining of voices.

Rest of Audience: Cretin.

Dave's mom: *snore*

Christine: Quick, the Phantom is very dangerous, so let's go to the last place he would be able to spy on us-- the Opera roof!

Raoul: You know, I never loved you for your intelligence, but you never loved me for mine either. Let's go.

Christine: His voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound... And I heard as I'd never heard before...

Raoul: You're in love with the Phantom's voice?

Christine: No, that would be silly. With whoever does the audio mixing of his voice, duh!

Raoul: Let me sing a love song to you in a voice that is much more gorgeous than the Phantom's.

Christine: Nice voice, nice bod, totally rich, nice horsies, doesn't kill people... Sure, let's go out, sounds great. As a bonus I will heave my bosom for you.

Raoul: Awesome.

Phantom: I will do something terrible to you! Er, except I don't quite know what. Excuse me while I take many months to think about it.

Act II (unfinished):

Various Singers: Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade!

Pink and yellow, different shades!
No one cares what you sing
As long as it rhymes with Masquerade
Because this is a dumb song
And no one is listening anyway. Ade.

Phantom: I am so cool. I wrote an opera.
Christine: You took several months to think of THAT?